pandemic in the USA. week five

I didn't write last week. Or the week before. Or the week before that. I stared at the screen and tried, but the words wouldn't come. Well, the sun finally came out. But the happy weather didn't cause the world to get its act together. I guess sometimes there is shade in the sunlight.

Let me catch you up on some changes that have happened since I last wrote. Long story short - if you don't live with someone then you are not legally allowed to see them. And only necessary errands are permitted. So yeah, everyone is going crazy. Despite our best efforts to lower the number of people flooding hospitals, the count is still rising. They think it will continue to get worse. People are dying. Our world looks way different than it did just 40 days ago. I feel like I am living in an actual history book.

On a more personal note, I lost my job three weeks ago. I never thought I would have to file for unemployment at age 20 but here we are. We ran out of toilet paper in week 3, but some kind friends came to the rescue and gave of their own supply. They still don't have any toilet paper in stores, by the way. My A.C. went out three weeks ago but it has taken a long time to fix because of the health crisis. Our sink also started leaking, which isn't that big of a deal until you are in quarantine. Our upstairs neighbors have kids and I am gonna give a shoutout to any parents of young kids because they are WILDING. My roommates and I have been trying to stay healthy and busy. I started walking my elderly neighbor's dog. It is good to have something to do. But boy do I miss getting out and seeing people.

My old life was an eternity ago. Going to work, adventuring around town, sitting in coffee shops, drinking from a "for here" mug, greeting at church, taking a live dance class, dancing on a stage for people, having face to face conversations, hugging, anticipating a trip... it all feels like a dream.

And I'll say it. I've had a terrible attitude about it. I am freaking bored!!! I am an extravert so this feels like cruel and unusual punishment. I had a tea party with stuffed animals. That's right. I made them each a cup of tea, talked to them about life, and then drank all 4 cups myself. I'm fine, really. In all seriousness though, I haven't been the best roommate or person these days. I have really been mourning the loss of the cherished and beautiful season I was in.

It is funny, I either keep trying to distract myself from my discomfort (shoutout to Netflix), or I sit there in my sadness and allow myself to feel horrible. Please do not misunderstand me, processing emotions and allowing yourself to feel and face them is so important. But I am starting to operate in a way that I have seen myself going back to my whole life. I allow those emotions, whether evasive or depressive, to control my actions and existence. I think in order to be healthy humans we have to face these emotions, work through them, and then find healing from them. In my experience, I've never been able to do that in my own power.

Truth be told, it would be really dumb of me to walk out of the house the day quarantine ends the same as I was when I entered. As hard as this is, it could be a beautiful opportunity. Even if it is as simple as taking more time to deal with my heart issues and find rest. But if I just live the same as I did before the Coronavirus? Nah. It has already taken so much. I don't want it to have the satisfaction of my apathy too.

So in an attempt to collect my thoughts and allow myself to process and let go, here are some of my struggles in this season. And with them, some of the things that God has been teaching me personally.

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I am really mad that I can't work. I don't think I can even express how much joy my job brought me. One day, as I glared at God and told Him how frustrated I was at the situation, He made me realize that I loved my job more than I loved spending time with Him. He blessed me with that job when I moved to Dallas, but I started loving the blessing more than the one who gave it to me in the first place. Plus, He is my provider. My job was just a means that He used to get me resources. He can use anything and anyone He wants. Money doesn't grow on trees but I happen to be a daughter of the One who owns every resource.

I miss dancing with my people. God helped me understand that at this time I can finally fall in love with the mover He has created me to be. It is pretty hard to size yourself up to a 3-inch person on a screen that is off the beat you hear, to be honest. I also get more time to work specifically on the areas I know I need to grow in! So those are some positives.

As far as missing people, I realized that I put too much weight in who I think I am and my own voice instead of listening to God's voice. Sure, I am an extrovert and get a lot of energy from groups of people. But when I solely rely on people to keep me healthy and I lose people or feel isolated from others, I get pretty low. It is a beautiful gift to love people, but my weight should be placed on who Christ is, not who I am.

Every day I struggle with something new like lost dreams, plans, and certainties. But that brings me to the most important thing that I have realized in this season. There is literally nothing constant in this world. Just when you think something is sturdy, it crumbles. EVEN ME. Like internally I am a mess so often. I don't have all the understanding and knowledge yet, but I know one thing that never has and never will change. That is - God is in control, and because of Jesus, I am His friend and child. So where is the room for fear in that situation? There is none.

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It is strange to get hope from a sunny day, to then realize that your world is still as broken and sad as it was on the cloudy days. The cool thing is, I don't have to let the weather or the state of my world affect my inner peace. I have a counselor and healer that helps me process through everything. And I have a hope way more constant than anything else.